Monday, December 19, 2011

Enchanting Iluisons...or realities

Illuisons. My abstract mind chases the fantasy of meeting the perfect guy. We met at a family event, he greet my parents then lock eyes with me. Smiling, we say "hi, my name is." We talk and laugh. He's goals mirrored my own, go to college and make our families proud. Our worlds would be layed on the concrete in front of us. I would be freezing outside but his warm voice would suffice. My big smile connected all my emotions. I'd leave, he'd leave. And somehow...somehow we would reunite again. 2 am, strolling though the night, He come say hi just because.
Dark. Still. The smile even bigger this time. A new fantasy. Instead of faking smilies and forcing laughter, she met her. It was enchanting to met her. The better life blossmed out of the stuggling ghost that shadowed. She was wonder-stuck all the way home,finally realizing she was her the whole time. The night grows sparkling and flawless. It will forever keep growing that way. She will still spend forever wondering if she's ever knew. The constant reminder furthers her growth and keeps her strong. Taylor Swift's wishs of please not being in love with somebody else and please not having someone else waiting on you brings joy. She and her are learning. She and her will forver love Daisy and not let other waiter over her. This isn't a fantasy anymore.

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

One step.

Instead of hiding and holding back, it was spoken. "No Mom I'm doing this because I want to, not because I need you please you. "What we talked about" is for my well being and if I don't do it, its on me." My inner self broke out. The best part my mom understood and agreed. Felt good <3

Saturday, December 10, 2011

a vent and a plan.

Fear.  Anger. Upset. Broken.  I don't know how to express my fears. I don't know how to advocate for myself . I don't how to be me anymore. I focus all energy on everyone else around me because I feel unimportant. I don't matter. It's selfish to speak about myself and my problems. I'm spinning out of control because I don't know who I am. I never know and haven't decided to dig deep enough to find out. I surround myself with others who need. Need assistance, need a good time, need something from me. I'm willing to pour all my engery into someone else if that means I don't have to deal transforming into a stronger human bean, a well-rounded women, a proserping student, and a delightful Daisy. When I give something, time, advice,help, I don't expect to recieve anything because I needed was all ready given to me. Attention. I look for others to give me the attention I refuse to give myself. I have a problem. My dispointment in life has been in my shadow my whole life and I never looked for it. I DON'T KNOW WHO I AM AND WHAT I WANT TO BECOME AS A PERSON. But yet that not true. I want to grow into a strong girl who can take care of herself, who loves herself others, who's smart and kind and can be approached to. But I don' t instill my vaules. Like a drug addict, I consume others to avoid, to escape, to liberate from my fears. It's hard for me to say "No, I don't want to hang out" or "I need do my homework before I help you" I'm a people pleaser. Why? Because I road block myself. Come to think about it...I don't talk about myself often. I took me months to finish the last piece on my personal statment about me, I still haven't turned in my personal inventory sheets, and I don't have a boyfriend or lover because I don't like putting myslef out there. I'm lazy in that aspect. Even taking care of my own body is hard for me. I'm really weak.
Now that you have vented and have finally stopped crying. What are you going to change? Daisy, unlike how you believe you can take on the world all at once, start by baby steps.
1. Everyday on the way to school, pray and thank that you are allowed other beautiful day on this earth and Daisy has a wonderful purpose for being here. Don't except yourself to know all the answers.
2. Start observing when you are doing things for others. I don't except change but just an awareness of your surrondings. You might need to note this.
3. Start your tiny workout list that you found on pinterst (;
Like you found on pinterst...
"It takes courage to find out grow up and become who you really are"

Sunday, October 16, 2011

Falling into the trap, I don't realize that im the problem. You give me the attention I've always wanted but the hidden conditions kill me. Im a quite little shy girl who wont speak up for herself. Scrolling on fb my hearts sinks when I see a picture of you with someone else. You don't talk to me and inside im screaming I want you. I don't think I even like you THAT much. You give me what I can't receive on my own.
I always thought I could lean on them. But apparently the others don't agree. They love me and they would do anything for me. I know it and I can feel it. But I don't give them the opportunity because I block myself from being a problem. I wont open up about my problems because I feel dumb and unimportant. Id I tell them something they're going to think im inexperienced and dumb. The stigma that I set to myself is detrimental  because I can't feel important or better yet special. I feel like everyone around me can do what im doing and I have no value. But I don't know what to believe because I know I mean something...something. what a vauge pronoun.

I'm everything.

Can someone please sing this to me? I'll love you forever! (:

Sunday, October 9, 2011

A lightweight?

I've always believed I've been protecting myself from failure or hurt. That I can be strong enough to take care of myself and even others. I can hold up myself. Others have mention the fear of me falling right away and I didn't believe it. Yet now that I have this conditioned attention, I've realized how weak I am. Weakness in areas I could have swore to be as tight as nun's uh. But this new enlightenment has reminded me that learning will forever be in my life and to learn you must have control. Couples weeks ago, I could have said I lost all control of my life. I didn't know where I was going or what I wanted.I still can't see the lightbulb shining but it's dimming. The dim is all I need for the little control to grow. More and more control will mean more shine. I don't have to fall part. I can grow into a heavy weight! Haha(: 

Real or fake change.

Im a caretaker. I give and don't receive. Its always been easier that way. Im always been independent. Until now, I think...is it so bad to want an "you look beautiful tonight" or "your a good dancer" or even "can I get your number?" Why? Change is settling into my life and it wants be to be taught a lesson. Mother fer couldn't have you waited till college, make life easier, but no you must come now. I sorry change but I was happy being by myself not caring about boys or wanting the one want me but now I think about it a lot more. More than expected. And the worse what is I can't lie anymore and say im fine and being alone doesn't bother me. It starting too. What the hell? Pretend has always been my wall and it's worked. I felt safe and I even believed pretend, but today I don't know the difference  between pretend and real? I guess its time to explore.


Sunday, September 25, 2011

I, You and Most

I didn't think it would hurt. I had prepared myself for this. Deep down, I knew this would happen. You used me. You didn't mean to cause me pain in anyway, I understand. In the end, you were searching for different purpose I was. Most told me to quit. Most said I had to set it straight. Already emotionally attached, most didn't know how bad.

Growing from this lesson is the next step. Learning to trust by better judgment launches my new path. Going into our adventure, I believed I could benefit positively from this experience. I benefiting through a different eye. Although not what originally planed, seeing the light feels great, a reminder when for the spilt second I get upset. I shouldn't have gotten upset. You learn and move on. Ill find better someday. Ill pretend it didn't hurt. That always works.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Senior Letter.

Daisy Guardado
6640 Oak Branch Ct
Citrus Heights CA 95621

September 15, 2011
Teri Berke
9151 Oak Ave
Orangevale CA 95662

Dear Mrs. Berke,
                  For my senior project I plan to job shadow a child counselor. I would like to learn if this is possible career choice later on in life. My key focal points would be learning the social and mental problems children going through school face and how our system is there to help them deal with their issues. I’d want to know how the counselors react to situations and if they get emotionally attached to a case. I would like to observe the reactions of children to counseling and the benefits of receiving help. I don’t have much experience in this field of study besides some babysitting and problem solving skills. I think this is an academic goal because it challenges me to foster my experiences and knowledge into helping others become healthy mentally.
           
            My mentor will be______________________. His address is________________ and can be reached at________________. I expect my mentor to teach me how_______________

            My product will be a job shadow report with a detailed description of what I learned over the course of the project including, counseling techniques, child attitudes and methods used to cope with problems. I will describe protocols of counseling and my experience throughout the appointments.

I want to research different stages of development in a child’s life. This research could help me better understand what a child thinks at certain points in life and how it’s affected in school. I would also want to research number of children exposed through mental illness, domestic violence, foster care systems, all factors that would cause a child to go to counseling. For my paper, I would want to research why kids need counseling in such a short span of time.












            Should my mentor or my product change, I will have the changes approved by my supervising teacher or English four teacher by March 8, 2012. If my product changes and I do not submit the proper paperwork, I understand that I will not pass senior project. I understand that my completed portfolio is due on May 3, 2012 and should include the job shadow/volunteer report if applicable. This final portfolio must be delivered to the senior project coordinator no later than 4:00 PM. I understand that my blue portfolio must contain all the necessary signatures on the inventory sheet or my blue portfolio will be considered late. I further understand that the entire project, including all products, must be completed by May 23, 2012 or I will be denied the privilege of walking at graduation.

            I completely understand the seriousness of plagiarism and forgery and agree that either of these offenses will negate the contents of this entire project. I also understand that my project cannot be a copy of any past Senior Project and any props or extras that I might use must be of my creation.

Sincerely,





Daisy Guardado

Parent Signature: ____________________________________

Mentor Signature: ___________________________________




Approved/Approved with modifications/ Not Approved

Committee Signature__________________________
Room Number _______________________
Committee Signature__________________________
Room Number _______________________
           

Monday, September 12, 2011

I am.

How is it possible for someone to not be able to write about themselves, or talk about themselves for that matter YET be able to be independent from others and not expect anything from them? Is there a correlation between the two. I thought I was done with my personal statment. Welll no I have been avoiding doing it because all I have left to do is write about myself. I think the rest of it is great and good to go, but i cant get past the PERSONAL part of it. Hhmmm. I think, well no...I know, that I don't know who i am which puts a damper on an college essay that's suppose to be about you. It's funny because I found something we did in avid where others wrote about us and then I had to write about myself.

Others wrote:
  • someone who cares
  • reliable
  • honest
  • hard worker
  • leader
  • loving
  • someone i look up too
  • takes charge
  • kind hearted
Those words mean a lot and there are all things i want to embody. But yet I can't flush out why i cant see that into words but more importantly into my story.

I have to remember what I wrote because I do still believe these values

I AM...
  • a person who cares for others
  • willing to help
  • a friend who gives love and kindness
  • a sister who trys to help shape a strong relationship
  • a daughter who wants to help and relieve
  • a student who is determined to learn and work towards achievement
  • a team memeber who wants to contribute to the cause and stop the drama

Saturday, September 10, 2011

Sparks.

"My mind forgets to remind me your a bad idea, you touch me once and it's really something" 
Oh Taylor. How come you just have the words for everything. 

I'm really confused on what I'm supposed to do at this point. 
I'm unsure of what I want to do with this. 
I'm just know something leaves me when I'm with you. 
Am I allowed to let the spark go away when I'm not with you?
Do you feel the spark?




Can you kiss me on the sidewalk and take any the pain?

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

The unfinished year.

"Last first day of high school. What a mouthful! Its crazy. I loved the morning. I couldn't have thought of a better way to start out. Picked up my girls and we jammed on the way to Starbucks. It was amazing. (: Senior sunrise was whatever but hanging out was fun. Oh man best morning ever! School.....ehhhh it doesn't seem to bad but im going to burn some wood in 2nd. I don't think I can do it. Gahhhh like I want to get out but at the same time I know I can do it. Why is life dumb? Haha. Oh yeahhh and he was fine. I feel like nothing ever happened...."


I picked a good place to stop. I never finished this bloggg but it makes me happy by just looking at it. i like blogging. Senior year is going to be epic! (:

Me,Myself, and I.

It's hard to accept that you are the most important person in your life. You are in control. How I wish i could give the steering wheel to someone else. No, i take that back....Gahhh i don't even know what i want anymore. I unsure of what I want. I know I want to go to college. I want to become a good person, helpful, caring, loving. But, I'm so afraid of failing at it. I'm never good enough for myself. I think that's why I cant allow myself to go for a relationship. If you aren't good enough for you why be good enough for others. The other always deserves to receive a confident significant other. The problem is me. Me me me, I complain a lot about myself and I know it's because I don't feel worthy of myself. How do you feel worthy in life? Enlighten me. Please. What does worthy even mean? Being confident, Daisy. Saying "I belong here!" "I'm good at this" "I got this!" "Oh yeah!" Feeling happy. I felt happy this morning! What happened? Hahaha. I happened. I need to find my soul and passion and confidence......


"To love oneself is the beginning of a life-long romance"

That's going to be one hell of a romance (:

Waking Up

The best sleep of my life. I love waking happy. It gives me the energy i need to get thought the hectic tasks. I cant complain because i love staying busy, but it gets overwhelming sometimes...most the time. But its worth it. Yeah its worth it. Especially when I wake up like i did. ALL happy. I love good moods. The day is going to be a good one. Its wednesday! Half way done with the week. (:

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Fake it till you Make it.

I don't like not knowing what i can be or what I'm capable of. I don't like not being able to speak up for what i love. I don't like being unsure of what i want. I don't like waking up in the morning in a bad mood. I don't like that my confidence level goes on rollercosters. I don't like the way that I grow into the person i want to be...

I want to be able to be worthy of myself. I want to love myself like the ones around me do. I want to make choices that make me happy. I want to see the light in happiness. 

I love being happy. I love to dance. I love my girls. I love that I push all my worries away to focus other things. I love myself (even though I fake it sometimes) 

:)

Sunday, August 7, 2011

How do you know?

So about after a week of being depressing and sick I finally go out. And this is different than your typical hangout with your girlfriends. Something in me knew it. It started out with 3. Hanging out with 3 can be awkward especially in this situation. 2 girls and 1 boy. Things get worse when one bails. Can you guess who bailed? Oh yeah. Well from this point I'm thinking that going to the movies...the drive-ins...could be weird....but its not weird unless you make it weird right. Right! Right? Well I went in with that mentality. Plant of the App's is what we saw so it wasn't one of thooose movies. Hahaha. Anywaysssss we got there. And well we cuddled a lot....well the whole movies expect the first ten minutes. It was fun. I kinda had forgot what it was like being hold by someone else because I never open up. I'm not good with awkward or weird. I just stay away. I swear when I grow up I'm going to need someone to deal with me because I'm not going to open up or try or anything. I soo screwed. Back to it. By the end, I didn't over analyze nothing. It was like nothing ever happened. I just stored it.

I watched How Do You Know? today...we'll i haven't finished it but i got to thinking how do you know something is special? magical? I think I'm just to independent to try to find someone else to hold me. Is that bad? Am I wrong? Well ill just have it deal with it. But something I learned from a great friend...Life, it goes on....and I'm done thinking about the bad things.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

a new project.

I'm learning how to blog! im so excited. I deleted my first post so i'm rewriting it to get the hang of this. Lol anyways i want this to be a document of how my life goes from now the summer into my senior year. This is going to be good for me! A journal! And with the app that i found it will better to document. It's going to be fun!

Love,
Daisy (:

Found an app!

This is going to be a lot easier with the app (: