Enchanting Iluisons...or realities

Illuisons. My abstract mind chases the fantasy of meeting the perfect guy. We met at a family event, he greet my parents then lock eyes with me. Smiling, we say "hi, my name is." We talk and laugh. He's goals mirrored my own, go to college and make our families proud. Our worlds would be layed on the concrete in front of us. I would be freezing outside but his warm voice would suffice. My big smile connected all my emotions. I'd leave, he'd leave. And somehow...somehow we would reunite again. 2 am, strolling though the night, He come say hi just because.

Dark. Still. The smile even bigger this time. A new fantasy. Instead of faking smilies and forcing laughter, she met her. It was enchanting to met her. The better life blossmed out of the stuggling ghost that shadowed. She was wonder-stuck all the way home,finally realizing she was her the whole time. The night grows sparkling and flawless. It will forever keep growing that way. She will still spend forever wondering if she's ever knew. The constant reminder furthers her growth and keeps her strong. Taylor Swift's wishs of please not being in love with somebody else and please not having someone else waiting on you brings joy. She and her are learning. She and her will forver love Daisy and not let other waiter over her. This isn't a fantasy anymore.

One step.

Instead of hiding and holding back, it was spoken. "No Mom I'm doing this because I want to, not because I need you please you. "What we talked about" is for my well being and if I don't do it, its on me." My inner self broke out. The best part my mom understood and agreed. Felt good <3

a vent and a plan.

Fear.  Anger. Upset. Broken.  I don't know how to express my fears. I don't know how to advocate for myself . I don't how to be me anymore. I focus all energy on everyone else around me because I feel unimportant. I don't matter. It's selfish to speak about myself and my problems. I'm spinning out of control because I don't know who I am. I never know and haven't decided to dig deep enough to find out. I surround myself with others who need. Need assistance, need a good time, need something from me. I'm willing to pour all my engery into someone else if that means I don't have to deal transforming into a stronger human bean, a well-rounded women, a proserping student, and a delightful Daisy. When I give something, time, advice,help, I don't expect to recieve anything because I needed was all ready given to me. Attention. I look for others to give me the attention I refuse to give myself. I have a problem. My dispointment in life has been in my shadow my whole life and I never looked for it. I DON'T KNOW WHO I AM AND WHAT I WANT TO BECOME AS A PERSON. But yet that not true. I want to grow into a strong girl who can take care of herself, who loves herself others, who's smart and kind and can be approached to. But I don' t instill my vaules. Like a drug addict, I consume others to avoid, to escape, to liberate from my fears. It's hard for me to say "No, I don't want to hang out" or "I need do my homework before I help you" I'm a people pleaser. Why? Because I road block myself. Come to think about it...I don't talk about myself often. I took me months to finish the last piece on my personal statment about me, I still haven't turned in my personal inventory sheets, and I don't have a boyfriend or lover because I don't like putting myslef out there. I'm lazy in that aspect. Even taking care of my own body is hard for me. I'm really weak.

Now that you have vented and have finally stopped crying. What are you going to change? Daisy, unlike how you believe you can take on the world all at once, start by baby steps.

1. Everyday on the way to school, pray and thank that you are allowed other beautiful day on this earth and Daisy has a wonderful purpose for being here. Don't except yourself to know all the answers.

2. Start observing when you are doing things for others. I don't except change but just an awareness of your surrondings. You might need to note this.

3. Start your tiny workout list that you found on pinterst (;

Like you found on pinterst...

"It takes courage to find out grow up and become who you really are"

Falling into the trap, I don't realize that im the problem. You give me the attention I've always wanted but the hidden conditions kill me. Im a quite little shy girl who wont speak up for herself. Scrolling on fb my hearts sinks when I see a picture of you with someone else. You don't talk to me and inside im screaming I want you. I don't think I even like you THAT much. You give me what I can't receive on my own.
I always thought I could lean on them. But apparently the others don't agree. They love me and they would do anything for me. I know it and I can feel it. But I don't give them the opportunity because I block myself from being a problem. I wont open up about my problems because I feel dumb and unimportant. Id I tell them something they're going to think im inexperienced and dumb. The stigma that I set to myself is detrimental  because I can't feel important or better yet special. I feel like everyone around me can do what im doing and I have no value. But I don't know what to believe because I know I mean something...something. what a vauge pronoun.

I'm everything.

Can someone please sing this to me? I'll love you forever! (:

A lightweight?

I've always believed I've been protecting myself from failure or hurt. That I can be strong enough to take care of myself and even others. I can hold up myself. Others have mention the fear of me falling right away and I didn't believe it. Yet now that I have this conditioned attention, I've realized how weak I am. Weakness in areas I could have swore to be as tight as nun's uh. But this new enlightenment has reminded me that learning will forever be in my life and to learn you must have control. Couples weeks ago, I could have said I lost all control of my life. I didn't know where I was going or what I wanted.I still can't see the lightbulb shining but it's dimming. The dim is all I need for the little control to grow. More and more control will mean more shine. I don't have to fall part. I can grow into a heavy weight! Haha(: 

Real or fake change.

Im a caretaker. I give and don't receive. Its always been easier that way. Im always been independent. Until now, I think...is it so bad to want an "you look beautiful tonight" or "your a good dancer" or even "can I get your number?" Why? Change is settling into my life and it wants be to be taught a lesson. Mother fer couldn't have you waited till college, make life easier, but no you must come now. I sorry change but I was happy being by myself not caring about boys or wanting the one want me but now I think about it a lot more. More than expected. And the worse what is I can't lie anymore and say im fine and being alone doesn't bother me. It starting too. What the hell? Pretend has always been my wall and it's worked. I felt safe and I even believed pretend, but today I don't know the difference  between pretend and real? I guess its time to explore.