They say writing heals the soul. Well I guess I should give this a try again because I'm in need of some serious remedy. Where to begin? Well shit. Myself. I so insecure, quiet, and refusing. I thought I was overcoming battles...jumping the hurtles life was blocking me from. I had a big moment when I gave the AVID speech. I felt like I had the power to show the world who Daisy Guardado was. But I'm starting to feel my superpower has been taken away...or maybe it was really never used. Regardless, I needed to start checking my actions, attitude and intentions. I'm not to be in trouble. I was rewarded with freedom with my hard work in school and responsibility around my parents. Starting to letting go and pushing boundaries was proving my doom. I hate but I mean LOATHE people I care about be mad at me or much less disappointed with my life choices. I know it's my life, but how they saw me really mattered. Should it? No. Yes. Well in Sam's case...yes...well kinda.....
Well let's look back....today she texted me saying she felt left out. I can understand where she's coming from. When it comes to hanging out and going out...that's not my department. I hardly ever am the one to plan things, because someone ends up getting the wrong information or idea or the right idea that I don't want to share. I don't like drama. So I swear I'm not excluding her in that sense. Half the time she knows about things before me. But when it comes to in the moment, I screw myself over. I get so caught up in one thing or person or idea. The nouns and the adjectives cluster my sight that I forget the feeling, the tone, the theme, the focus. I can only blame myself. I was a bad friend for not looking out for her. She always looks out for me and when she doesn't, I don't tell her. Running at the gym I figured that one (it's a miracle what a little sweat can bring to the brain). During the middle of the year, I felt bad because it was always Sam and Brooke. They were the close ones. I didn't have the heart to tell her what was going on. Partly I hate confrontation....unless it the point where things are about to fall out of the bandwagon. Maybe that's why this upsets me so much. She has the strength to tell me how it is, when I don't. I just don't know...this is were my life plays in. In this case, Yes it matters because deep down Sam telling what's wrong not only tells me how I need to improve for the better, it's also a reflection of how I feel deep down. I know she loves me and what's me to be happy and things are going to get better. But at the same time she looks out for herself. A quality I can't fully grasp. Almost. But not quite yet. I can't leave. Especially now. She helps me find myself. Reflection is key. And I'm a supporter in her daily battles...or I try to be. I can't be the dipshit who leaves her hanging at her times in need or the jerk who just does it just because things are boring. I need to be a better friend.
Well I also need to be a better daughter. Trust. Honesty. Responsibility. All the golden qualities I had earn over the years. And in the span of 2 days I was losing them like wildfire. To speak in the one of the gold qualifications, I was testing the waters. I knew deep down I was probably doing wrong in my actions. But I'm 17 and feel like it's time to rebel. I been a good child. That was the exact reason the problems arose
1: It's out of the ordinary for me to be bad
2: I had never hid big things from them...apparently forgetting to mention I had some drinks after senior ball was bad.....(okay so it is)
3: Leaving behind my duties around the house was not forgettable.
4: AND the worst of all, my parents were disappointed in me and I was losing the star traits I possessed and pleated for........
5: wait i lied....after couple rookie and dumbfound knowing mistakes...the worst part was I felt gulit within myself. :/
I not good with mistakes. I know they are crucial to the growing and learning of oneself but I want to skip it. :/ I just need to deal with it. I need to talk to my mother let her I care. I not like this but I want to test the freedom. I know I have less than 2 months. But I'm uneasy about the whole process. And one can't always be good. Or perfect. I'm no where near perfect. I have to come to terms with disappointments. I have to start accepting I'm going to be wrong. But I have to talk to come to terms with it. Communicate with others. Learn from others. Reflect upon yourself. Allow change to enter your life. Accept the same things won't always work. Lessons of the day.
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