Falling into the trap, I don't realize that im the problem. You give me the attention I've always wanted but the hidden conditions kill me. Im a quite little shy girl who wont speak up for herself. Scrolling on fb my hearts sinks when I see a picture of you with someone else. You don't talk to me and inside im screaming I want you. I don't think I even like you THAT much. You give me what I can't receive on my own.
I always thought I could lean on them. But apparently the others don't agree. They love me and they would do anything for me. I know it and I can feel it. But I don't give them the opportunity because I block myself from being a problem. I wont open up about my problems because I feel dumb and unimportant. Id I tell them something they're going to think im inexperienced and dumb. The stigma that I set to myself is detrimental  because I can't feel important or better yet special. I feel like everyone around me can do what im doing and I have no value. But I don't know what to believe because I know I mean something...something. what a vauge pronoun.

I'm everything.

Can someone please sing this to me? I'll love you forever! (:

A lightweight?

I've always believed I've been protecting myself from failure or hurt. That I can be strong enough to take care of myself and even others. I can hold up myself. Others have mention the fear of me falling right away and I didn't believe it. Yet now that I have this conditioned attention, I've realized how weak I am. Weakness in areas I could have swore to be as tight as nun's uh. But this new enlightenment has reminded me that learning will forever be in my life and to learn you must have control. Couples weeks ago, I could have said I lost all control of my life. I didn't know where I was going or what I wanted.I still can't see the lightbulb shining but it's dimming. The dim is all I need for the little control to grow. More and more control will mean more shine. I don't have to fall part. I can grow into a heavy weight! Haha(: 

Real or fake change.

Im a caretaker. I give and don't receive. Its always been easier that way. Im always been independent. Until now, I think...is it so bad to want an "you look beautiful tonight" or "your a good dancer" or even "can I get your number?" Why? Change is settling into my life and it wants be to be taught a lesson. Mother fer couldn't have you waited till college, make life easier, but no you must come now. I sorry change but I was happy being by myself not caring about boys or wanting the one want me but now I think about it a lot more. More than expected. And the worse what is I can't lie anymore and say im fine and being alone doesn't bother me. It starting too. What the hell? Pretend has always been my wall and it's worked. I felt safe and I even believed pretend, but today I don't know the difference  between pretend and real? I guess its time to explore.