Summer REFLECTION and LESSONS....part 1 I hope.

They say writing heals the soul. Well I guess I should give this a try again because I'm in need of some serious remedy. Where to begin? Well shit. Myself. I so insecure, quiet, and refusing. I thought I was overcoming battles...jumping the hurtles life was blocking me from. I had a big moment when I gave the AVID speech. I felt like I had the power to show the world who Daisy Guardado was. But I'm starting to feel my superpower has been taken away...or maybe it was really never used. Regardless, I needed to start checking my actions, attitude and intentions. I'm not to be in trouble. I was rewarded with freedom with my hard work in school and responsibility around my parents. Starting to letting go and pushing boundaries was proving my doom. I hate but I mean LOATHE people I care about be mad at me or much less disappointed  with my life choices. I know it's my life, but how they saw me really mattered. Should it? No. Yes. Well in Sam's case...yes...well kinda.....


Well let's look back....today she texted me saying she felt left out. I can understand where she's coming from. When it comes to hanging out and going out...that's not my department. I hardly ever am the one to plan things, because someone ends up getting the wrong information or idea or the right idea that I don't want to share. I don't like drama. So I swear I'm not excluding her in that sense. Half the time she knows about things before me. But when it comes to in the moment, I screw myself over. I get so caught up in one thing or    person or idea. The nouns and the adjectives cluster my sight that I forget the feeling, the tone, the theme, the focus. I can only blame myself. I was a bad friend for not looking out for her. She always looks out for me and when she doesn't, I don't tell her. Running at the gym I figured that one (it's a miracle what a little sweat can bring to the brain). During the middle of the year, I felt bad because it was always Sam and Brooke. They were the close ones. I didn't have the heart to tell her what was going on. Partly I hate confrontation....unless it the point where things are about to fall out of the bandwagon. Maybe that's why this upsets me so much. She has the strength to tell me how it is, when I don't. I just don't know...this is were my life plays in. In this case, Yes it matters because deep down Sam telling what's wrong not only tells me how I need to improve for the better, it's also a reflection of how I feel deep down. I know she loves me and what's me to be happy and things are going to get better. But at the same time she looks out for herself. A quality I can't fully grasp. Almost. But not quite yet. I can't leave. Especially now. She helps me find myself. Reflection is key. And I'm a supporter in her daily battles...or I try to be. I can't be the dipshit who leaves her hanging at her times in need or the jerk who just does it just because things are boring. I need to be a better friend. 


Well I also need to be a better daughter. Trust. Honesty. Responsibility. All the golden qualities I had earn over the years. And in the span of 2 days I was losing them like wildfire. To speak in the one of the gold  qualifications, I was testing the waters. I knew deep down I was probably doing wrong in my actions. But I'm 17 and feel like it's time to rebel. I been a good child. That was the exact reason the problems arose
1: It's out of the ordinary for me to be bad
2: I had never hid big things from them...apparently forgetting to mention I had some drinks after senior ball was bad.....(okay so it is) 
3: Leaving behind my duties around the house was not forgettable.
4: AND the worst of all, my parents were disappointed in me and I was losing the star traits I possessed and pleated for........ 
5: wait i lied....after couple rookie and dumbfound knowing mistakes...the worst part was I felt gulit within myself. :/ 
I not good with mistakes. I know they are crucial to the growing and learning of oneself but I want to skip it. :/ I just need to deal with it. I need to talk to my mother let her I care. I not like this but I want to test the freedom. I know I have less than 2 months. But I'm uneasy about the whole process. And one can't always be good. Or perfect. I'm no where near perfect. I have to come to terms with disappointments. I have to start accepting I'm going to be wrong. But I have to talk to come to terms with it. Communicate with others. Learn from others. Reflect upon yourself. Allow change to enter your life. Accept the same things won't always work. Lessons of the day. 

Fwb

Wow who would of know a flush down the toilet would be so loud at 1:21 am. I wide awake! And why you might ask? Well folks let me tell you I just watched friends with benefits and if you know my hidden story you would get it. Oh fuck. What have I got myself into? I guess I just wanted a best friend...a best guy friend who I just could hang out with for no reason and laugh and be stupid and funny together. You know I don't think I was ready for a "relationship" because I don't have an emotional surface. I'm a hidder. I like to avoid. It kinda my thing....well was. I working on this new thing where I work on what saying what I feel. Vocalizing what I feel and need. Lately its been getting better. I was talking to my mom today and we were talking about how I was feeling about sleepovers. Which she's not the biggest fan and it doesn't bother we when I with my friends but with her it does. I never told her that till today. I said what I felt without hesitation! It felt nice (: I think that God was telling me to push harder because the code tested me.  Side note: it might have been because I was stalking his horoscopes, he's "types" and "personality". Let's just say the vigro fit it. Anyways it been a while. And well im not naive I know that when it texts me it for something. I don't think anyone realizes that....or maybe its me. But im not dumb. It wants something. Its nice about it. Never comes out with it. Always ask how im doing, life, casual talk.  I think it cares. Well ..... that's n the air now. Hhhmmm were to go from here. Do I think it or him or whatever it is. Because as im trying to figure out what I want or need or feel I get more lost. I wanna best friend but am I already emotionally attached. Fffff. But at the same time....I think not sure what im attached to because somedays I think it him or the idea or just the messesing around or the need to filled with attention or just a friend. Wow that's a lot of circles. *Round and round, were going round and round and your not going to bring me no bring me back. Boy I need you here with me I can't go on this way I falling back to you and I can sayyyyyyyy were going round and round!* (Selena gomez moment ;) I wish I could sign. And be pretty like her. Well im okay. I need some work on but you know I have my days. Hahaha. Im hungry. I had the best di net at red lobseter! But know my tummy is growling. Hahaha. Oh life it moves so fast. I wanna stop and go back and remiss the past, maybe change some things. and yet live the present but move to the future and view all the potential ahead if me. Its crazy. Wow 2012. Big year. Sound like a it of traveling...El Salvador Mexico and Disneyland! And graduation and college and moving out and money and friends. The true friends from the friends. Sigh. Do I make it a friend and friend with extra fun or a cold friend or nothing at alllll. Ahhhhhh! well that was a good soul let out for the day. Goodnight. (:

Enchanting Iluisons...or realities

Illuisons. My abstract mind chases the fantasy of meeting the perfect guy. We met at a family event, he greet my parents then lock eyes with me. Smiling, we say "hi, my name is." We talk and laugh. He's goals mirrored my own, go to college and make our families proud. Our worlds would be layed on the concrete in front of us. I would be freezing outside but his warm voice would suffice. My big smile connected all my emotions. I'd leave, he'd leave. And somehow...somehow we would reunite again. 2 am, strolling though the night, He come say hi just because.

Dark. Still. The smile even bigger this time. A new fantasy. Instead of faking smilies and forcing laughter, she met her. It was enchanting to met her. The better life blossmed out of the stuggling ghost that shadowed. She was wonder-stuck all the way home,finally realizing she was her the whole time. The night grows sparkling and flawless. It will forever keep growing that way. She will still spend forever wondering if she's ever knew. The constant reminder furthers her growth and keeps her strong. Taylor Swift's wishs of please not being in love with somebody else and please not having someone else waiting on you brings joy. She and her are learning. She and her will forver love Daisy and not let other waiter over her. This isn't a fantasy anymore.

One step.

Instead of hiding and holding back, it was spoken. "No Mom I'm doing this because I want to, not because I need you please you. "What we talked about" is for my well being and if I don't do it, its on me." My inner self broke out. The best part my mom understood and agreed. Felt good <3

a vent and a plan.

Fear.  Anger. Upset. Broken.  I don't know how to express my fears. I don't know how to advocate for myself . I don't how to be me anymore. I focus all energy on everyone else around me because I feel unimportant. I don't matter. It's selfish to speak about myself and my problems. I'm spinning out of control because I don't know who I am. I never know and haven't decided to dig deep enough to find out. I surround myself with others who need. Need assistance, need a good time, need something from me. I'm willing to pour all my engery into someone else if that means I don't have to deal transforming into a stronger human bean, a well-rounded women, a proserping student, and a delightful Daisy. When I give something, time, advice,help, I don't expect to recieve anything because I needed was all ready given to me. Attention. I look for others to give me the attention I refuse to give myself. I have a problem. My dispointment in life has been in my shadow my whole life and I never looked for it. I DON'T KNOW WHO I AM AND WHAT I WANT TO BECOME AS A PERSON. But yet that not true. I want to grow into a strong girl who can take care of herself, who loves herself others, who's smart and kind and can be approached to. But I don' t instill my vaules. Like a drug addict, I consume others to avoid, to escape, to liberate from my fears. It's hard for me to say "No, I don't want to hang out" or "I need do my homework before I help you" I'm a people pleaser. Why? Because I road block myself. Come to think about it...I don't talk about myself often. I took me months to finish the last piece on my personal statment about me, I still haven't turned in my personal inventory sheets, and I don't have a boyfriend or lover because I don't like putting myslef out there. I'm lazy in that aspect. Even taking care of my own body is hard for me. I'm really weak.

Now that you have vented and have finally stopped crying. What are you going to change? Daisy, unlike how you believe you can take on the world all at once, start by baby steps.

1. Everyday on the way to school, pray and thank that you are allowed other beautiful day on this earth and Daisy has a wonderful purpose for being here. Don't except yourself to know all the answers.

2. Start observing when you are doing things for others. I don't except change but just an awareness of your surrondings. You might need to note this.

3. Start your tiny workout list that you found on pinterst (;

Like you found on pinterst...

"It takes courage to find out grow up and become who you really are"

Falling into the trap, I don't realize that im the problem. You give me the attention I've always wanted but the hidden conditions kill me. Im a quite little shy girl who wont speak up for herself. Scrolling on fb my hearts sinks when I see a picture of you with someone else. You don't talk to me and inside im screaming I want you. I don't think I even like you THAT much. You give me what I can't receive on my own.
I always thought I could lean on them. But apparently the others don't agree. They love me and they would do anything for me. I know it and I can feel it. But I don't give them the opportunity because I block myself from being a problem. I wont open up about my problems because I feel dumb and unimportant. Id I tell them something they're going to think im inexperienced and dumb. The stigma that I set to myself is detrimental  because I can't feel important or better yet special. I feel like everyone around me can do what im doing and I have no value. But I don't know what to believe because I know I mean something...something. what a vauge pronoun.

I'm everything.

Can someone please sing this to me? I'll love you forever! (: